Stay On The Outside
by twist3dl0gic
Summary: It's quite possible that just as Hermione's life is nearly at an end, she finds love in the least suspecting place.. If only she could tell him the truth..
1. You Are On A Need To Know Basis

Stay On The Outside

Annoying. That was quite obviously the only word in the entire english language that could describe his feelings towards that Granger child. Of course, she wasn't a child anymore. She wasn't a first taking the blame for her two idiotic friends for being caught going after a troll, or whatever had really happened. She wasn't even a disappointed seventh year who hadn't become Head Girl, because even though her grades wer excellent, her behavior and actions weren't that of innocence. Now she was his colleague. After seven years of dealing with her questions and persistant attitude, he now had to see her every day until he retired, which was not going to be anytime soon. 

Of course, he didn't despise her. He thought she did posses qualities that were of decency and were downright respectable. Like her rather large amount of aquired knowledge and her extensive vocabulary. He was quite amused by her cleverness and just how well she was able to match wits with any poor unsuspecting person. No, she definitly had her good points. But there were some things that he just couldn't stand. 

Things like how she had found him early that morning just after breakfast has barely finished so that she could look for a book in his personal library. 

"You see, I'm hoping that I can find enough information, and..", she was babbling about. She seemed to, however, see that he was bored with her presence and was clearly not interested in what she was saying. Perhaps she was as smart as he thought. "And you don't care. I'm sorry. It's just that, well.. with Harry and Ron so far away, I haven't anyone to talk to about.. my work, and I just get a little excited." 

He watched as she continued to search through his book, pulling out various ones that had to do with herbs one might use in a potion. He knew that Miss. Granger had no need for potions in her position- she had become the new Charms teacher when Flitwick chose to leave. Had Severus been a man of manners, he would have offered to help find whatever it was that she was looking for. Of course, that would mean asking what she was doing in the first place, and furthermore, he didn't care if her adventure turned out to be fruitless. 

She pulled out a book- he couldn't tell which one. She seemed to be looking through it for something specific. He guessed that she found what she was looking for. Thank Gods, he was getting bored watching her. 

"Proffessor Snape.. Why do yo have a Medical Dictionary of Muggle Illnesses?", she asked him. 

"Not that it's of any importantce to you, but in my spare time I find it useful to find a cure to any and all diseases that I find possible. One never knows what might happen to themself in our world." 

She paused on a certain page and seemed to be reading a few paragraphs. He watched her as her face seem to fall, as if she had learned something she had preferred to not know. 

"Do you have the cure for all them, Proffessor?" 

"No, I don't.." 

She shut the book quickly, unsure if she wanted to read further or not. Knowing that she could not avoid the inevitable did not help her. 

"May I please borrow this one?" 

"You know that you are welcome to borrow anything.." 

"Thank you.", she answered, quickly working towards the door. 

He watched her leave, suddenly _very_ interested in whatever it was that she was trying to accomplish. Was she trying to find the cure for something? Or did she simply need the ingrediants to a common medicine? What had she been reading?   


~{::*::*::}~

  
Hermione was up late that night.. taking notes from the book she had borrowed from Snape while comparing them to notes she had taken from other books, both that she found in the library which belonged to Snape and the library which belonged to the school she now worked in. It was still the summer holiday, nothing to be excited about, but it also allowed her to freely work on the potion she was trying to create. 

She layed the quill down and looked over to her open window. Taking off her glasses, which she used only for reading, she walked over to look outside of her personal quarters and up to the stars. They looked so beautiful, so full of life. Of course she knew that some were slowly burning away to their death- simply muggle astronomy told her that-, but she couldn't help feeling that each star had lived a long life. A long, magical life. 

Allowing the cool summer's night breeze to touch her skin for a second, Hermione closed her window and walked towards her desk again. She pulled her now straight hair, which had been a gift from an evil known as puberty, out of simply scrunchy that she had brought with her from the muggle world. She walked towards her dresser and found her summer night gown. She wasn't sure whether to congragulate herself for not pulling an all night or to yell at herself for staying up as late as it was. She knew that she should be in bed earlier than the time she was just now getting to, but her research was so important to her. 

Looking towards the window again as she climbed into bed, Hermione wondered which stars she was most like: The ones that were living a life now, or the ones that were slowly dying. She hoped it the fro, rather than the latter.. She simply wasn't ready for death..   


~{::*::*::}~

  
"Hm... Bay's a narcotic.. Though, so is rosemary.. Of course.. Arabic Gum is a very _strong_ narcotic, and the head of a lettuce, well.. I wonder which will be easiest to counteract..", Hermione was saying to herself. She was walking outside Hogwarts, enjoying the warm weather as she continued her research. It was a Saturday, a time which could be used however she wished. She looked up into the Sun, knowing very well that she was probably causing herself great danger but not caring all the same. 

"Bay would most likely be easiest, but depending on how tired you have made yourself, you might want to think about using arabic gum..", a voice from behind her answerd. 

Turning around, Hermione found her old Potions Master. She wondered how she hadn't noticed dark, bellowing robs following her in the bright sunlight but didn't care. 

"I wasn't aware that anyone was listening..", Hermione said, trying to explain her behavior. "Can I help you, Proffessor?" 

He folded his arms across his broad chest, dragging his robes around him. Hermione couldn't help make the referrence to a vampire, as his pale skin and dark, greasy hair also made it look as though he was the living dead. Of course, she knew that she herself was not in any position to judge looks. She had dirty blonde hair that reached her midback, hazelnut eyes, and a very.. _plain_ figure and face. At least in her eyes, anyway. In reality, Hermione looked older than she was, and every bit of wisdom showed on her face, which was truly anything but oridnary. Her attention was brought back to his eyes, which seemed to be watching her thoughts drift away. 

"No.. I was simply out for a walk. I thought I was hearing things, but you are indeed a real person and not just an illusion. But dare I ask, what are _you_ doing? Is there anything that I can help you with? Your potion, perhaps?" 

"I am already aware of your talents with this particular area, Severus, but I do not wish to discuss my problems with you. Furthermore, your books are more than enough help for me. I am doing quite fine on my own, thank you." She made her eyes find themselves over her glasses' rim, allowing herself to burn holes into her old teacher's eyes. Not only was she offended by, what she thought, insinutation, but her personal matters were not things that one often openly discusses. Something she was sure her colleague believed to be true. "But perhaps you would like to discuss the war? Is there anything that happened _then_ that strikes as good conversation material?" 

"You may think that you have deflected an obviously sensitve topic for you, Hermione, but truly you have just given me a clue, which leaves me to believe that whatever it is you refuse my help for is quite painful. Perhaps next time thinking is in order before you open your mouth..?" 

Hermione watched as he passed right by her and towards her school. While she would like for nothing more than to stand there, continue her work, and be angered at Snape, but she knew that she had to get out of the sunlight before something bad happened. If she was going to finish her research and finally figure out what was now the most important thing to her, she would have to take extra good care of herself. Quite reluctantly, Hermione followed Snape into the ancient castle. 

Damn him. He was right.. How could she have not thought about what she was saying?! She would have plenty of time to think of it in the past tense. Time that she would spend alone. In her quarters.   


~{::*::*::}~

  
For the first time in weeks, things didn't seem to move at a million miles per second for Hermione. It seemed that everything that happened to her recently was going by so fast. She wasn't aware of whether it was because she simply had no free time or if it was because she was so consumed in trying to finish her research in time for it to be of any use. Today, at this time, whatever the reason that time was going too fast, it didn't matter. 

Hermione was sitting in The Three Broomsticks, waiting for her old friend Harry Potter. She hadn't yet told him. Well, of course he knew that she would be working at Hogwarts, but there was that Other bit of information she had neglected to share. That was also why she had arranged this. She decided that it'd be best to tell him as soon as possible. And Ron too, of course. But it had been easier to get a hold of Harry, and besides that, she had always been closer to Harry. He was slightly more.. understanding than Ron. 

Harry had bothered to tell Hermione that he would be late for their meeting- their lunch date now becoming drinks in the afternoon. However, she had decided to go to The Three Broomsticks at the original planned time, deciding that she would be able to think of _how_ to tell Harry (and Ron) what was going on. After all, this was not the kind of thing to slip in between 'this food is great' and 'who's tipping this time?'. This was hardly something to tell in such a public place, but Hermione found that public could work to her advantages. For one thing, very few people knew, and she intended to keep things that way. The scenery forced Harry to be quite, which in turn forced him to stay at a level of calm that wouldn't be considered hysterical. 

Just as Hermione finished her plate and was handing it to the witch which had been servicing her, she spotted a familiar being in the background of the pub. She watched as he watched her, observing her and trying to figure out she was doing with his books, no doubt. Hermione had been wondering when exactly it was that Snape has started watching her. She wondered what it was that made him a curious mad, especially towards _her_. He had never shown much more interest than he did any other Gryffindor. What made her so special suddenly. 

"You can come out from the shadows, Proffessor.", Hermione declared. "Join me until Harry gets here, won't you?" 

Carefully walking over to the table she sat at, he sat himself down across from the woman he had been watching. Ever since she started borrowing his books for "a side project", Severus had been able to learn to tolerate the girl. And ever since he found her captivated with a muggle medical dictionary, well.. He began wondering exactly it was she was working on. 

"Why is that you call me 'Severus' some of the time, but more often then not use the title 'Proffessor'? Your are no longer my student, and you are no longer taught by me. Therefore, the title is quite inaccurate." 

Holding her wine glass with both her hands, Hermione stared at him over the top. "I only use 'Severus' when you anger me. I assume that since not just five years ago I _was_ your student, it annoys you. Just as you call me 'Miss. Granger' at all times to make me feel as anything _other_ than your equal. Although, since I am not a Potions Master, I guess I'm not truly considered your equal." 

Severus listened to every word that she said. She was very smart, indeed, but she was smart in all the wrong ways and had come to the wrong conclusion. He simply called her 'Miss. Granger' because just 'Granger' sounded odd. Whereas 'Dumbledore' and 'McGonnagall' sounded fine without the title 'Professor'. 

"So what brings you here today?", he asked, trying to make conversation. 

"I'm here to see Harry. I wanted to tell him of my research and the reasons behind it.." She paused for a moment, thinking the specifics of the matter over. "I wish that this was pleasure, like you are thinking, but it's not.. In fact, if buisness wasn't the opposite of pleasure, this would be." She sipped her wine. "And you?" 

"Taking the chance that I'll sound like a Stalker, following you. I was hoping to find the reason as to why my books have suddenly become of such importance." 

Hermione's mouth opened, her jaw nearly hitting her wine glass. "You _followed_ me to find out why I was using your books? How long has this been going on? Why!?!?" 

"Calm down, Hermione. I merely followed you here. I was hoping that I would find you alone at some time to inquire why you were using my books. If one told another why one was doing what she was doing, then perhaps one would not have to follow the other." 

Still shocked, no matter what her colleague was saying, all Hermione was feeling was violation. 

"If you did not want me using your books, you could have simply told me no. My personal buisness is that, and seeing as how I am here on personal buisness, I think it would be wise of you to just leave me be while I wait." 

"You invited me to stay while you waited for Potter. I do not see him around, therefore I will not leave. Sorry to disappoint." 

To her relief, Hermione spotted her old friend enter the small pub. He found her immediatly, confused by her company. 

"Hello Hermione. Lovely to see you. Hello Professor Snape.", Harry politely said as hugged his old friend. "How are the both of you?" 

"I'm great, and he's even better. Aren't you, Severus?", Hermione answered rudely. "He was also just leaving.. I simply invited him over while I waited. Goodbye now, Severus. I will see you at Hogwarts later." 

She watched her colleague's face turn sour. He slowly stood up and slowly left. When Hermione was sure that he was far away, especially from ear shot, she waved her hand to where he had been sitting, inviting Harry to join her now. 

"It's good to see you, 'Mione. How are you?", Harry asked immediatly. His face lit up, being happier than he had been in a long time. 

"Not well, Harry.. In fact. I called you to join me so that I could tell you something..", Hermione started. So far so good, but she had no clue where she was going to go from there. Which ever way she went, she was sure that it would hurt her friend. Afterall, it hurt her more then she could possibly have imagined. But soon.. if she did not finish her research in time (which seemed to be very likely, considering she had just decided that Snape and his books needed to be left out of her life as much as possible), then things wouldn't look good for her. 

In fact, things would look downright horrible for her. Afterall, death was never a happy subject... 


	2. I'm Sick

Hehe... Thnx fer the reviews!! (And I meant to spell it that way.. lol.) I'm really sorry about all the spelling/grammatical errors. It was really late and I was falling asleep as I wrote that chapter. Now it's early the next morning and more than happy to continue what I've started.. 

P.S. The name 'Stay On The Outside' is a line in a song by Lisa Loeb. (It's _How_, in case you were interested.) It quite obviously means that Hermione gets closer to Severus as he helps but doesn't want him to.. (Just in case you were wondering..) 

Part two of   
Stay On The Outside

Hermione stood outside of Snape's doors, medical book in hand. She wanted desperatly to walk in as he had just done moments ago and interupt whatever it was that he was doing to tell him that she no longer needed his books, even though the both of them knew that she did. She took a few steps in quitely, thinking of her meeting with Harry earlier the day before. Every time he thought of her reaction.. She wanted to risk Snape finding out what was going on even more. She couldn't bare seeing Harry's or Ron's face if she fell ill enough to land her in the hospital. 

_"You have.. what?"_, He had asked. 

_"Lupus.. It's a muggle disease. It causes me stiffness and dizzy spells and headaches. I tire easily. The side effects are quite uncomfortable.", she explained. _

"Well.. Is it fatal?" 

Hermione watched as his face twisted in panic or worrysome or quite possibly sadness. She couldn't identify what he was feeling- hell, she could barely identify what she_ was feeling. She knew that her breif pause seemed to make time go on forever for her friend, and she felt awful for it, but she needed time to think of how to word her answer. _

"It could be.. If I don't take care of myself. Sunlight, as hard as it is to believe, is actually quite harmful to me. If I overwork myself, it could cause me to end up in the hospital. Lupus is more common than leukaemia, multiple sclerosis, and muscular dystrophy. It's more commonly found in woman. It's almost like a self-allergy.. My immune system is basically attacking my own body, and without the treatement it's quite possible that all my organs could be damaged to the point that they don't work anymore. But I promise you that I am_ taking care of myself." _

"Hermione.. Is there a cure?" 

She shook her head 'no'. "There's no muggle cure, but.. I'm working on the magical one. And I'm very close, actually.." 

Thanks to Snape, she thought. She only stood for a few more seconds, finally gathering the courage to stand up to her old proffessor. 

"Proffessor Snape?" 

He turned around, slightly startled by her voice. 

"Yes, Miss. Granger?" 

"I was just returning your book.", Hermione answered. She held it out for him as he quickly walked over to her. 

Severus placed it back where it belonged on the shelf, knowing exactly where it belonged. He turned around, barely seeing her leave as she was already trying to get as far away from that place as she could. 

"Miss. Granger?" 

She stopped walking away, but she refused to turn back. 

"Yes, Proffessor Snape?" 

"Well, weren't you going to look for another book?" 

She stepped back into the room, fixing her old teacher with a deadly glare that said all things she didn't want to. "I found that the cons outweighed the pros." 

"Hermione, I'm sorry I followed you. I'm simply interested in what it is that you are doing. Perhaps if you weren't so secretive about what it is that you wish to do, I could help. And I wouldn't have to follow you." 

"I think we both know that what I'm doing is because you are in obvious trouble. Why won't you tell anyone?" 

She took a deep breath. "Severus.. This is my buisness, and my buisness alone. If I wanted your help, then perhaps I would have asked. But until then.. Please just leave it be. I'm not ready to deal with this.." 

Severus watched her as she left. He couldn't explain it, but he almost felt a twinge of hurt. She had used his name when wasn't angry. And like he said, she was obviously in trouble. Perhaps when it was finally revealed, he would be able to forget it. But for now, his curiosity got the best of him. 

He reached for the book he had just put away. Setting to work, he grabbed various herbs for a potion. If she wouldn't tell him what she was researching, perhaps his book would.   


~{::*::*::}~

  
Hermione had found a simple charm that would allow her to play any music she wanted without any machine. She can remember finding it months ago, simply reading for enjoyment. Before she knew of her.. illness 

She thought back to the day that she found out she was sick. She had been sleeping in more than usual, going to bed way too early. She'd wake up feeling stiff, in pain, and she would constantly find herself fighting a terrible headache along with dizzy spells. She can't remember what made her so sure it had to be a muggle disease, but.. Something deep inside her told her that it couldn't have come from her magical world. And when she was on vacation one year with her parents, she just knew she had to get to a doctor.. 

And then she found out. 

And her entire world changed. 

She heard the muggle music she had been playing come to an end. That had been what started her thoughts of her disease in the first place. She simply closed her eyes and willed the music to start again. Usually whatever was in the air didn't ever make it into her thoughts, but just then the lyrics to the song were entering her mind and refused to leave. Something by a singer named Lisa Loeb... The Way It Really Is.. Not a particularly happy song, but it was nice. 

She smiled at that thought. A nice sort of depression. It almost seemed like an oxymoron. 

Her thoughts were interupted. She looked down at the potion she had started hours ago. It was almost complete. She needed a few more ingrediants, but needed _much_ more research to figure it out. She had already combed through every book in the library, and it had take much too much of her energy to apparte to Harry yesterday. She wouldn't be able to go anywhere until, well.. Until a week or so. It looked like she had no choice. She would have to find Severus and ask for a book. 

_Better now than never.._, Hermione told herself. 

She set out down the dark hallways, walking towards the dungeons. The sun had set recently and supper would be served soon. If she wanted to catch him before then, she would have to walk fast. Of course, not having to watch him watch her all supper long might be put off if she waited until after. But then again, he would probably stare at her either way, after she had been rude to him for the first time for no reason. 

_Agh.. Just do it_, Hermione told herself. Without a knock, Hermione entered Severus's personal quarters. 

Although, now that she was there, she was suddenly at a loss for words. She looked around. It seemed like he had brewed a potion of some sort. For what, she did not know. However, she knew that when he was doing something more personal than buisness, he liked to be left alone. Or maybe she was just thinking that so that she could back down and not feel cowardly about it. She wasn't really sure _why_ she didn't want to go through with this. Ever since she learned she was sick, she had looked at things in a different way. And if she had to guess, she would have to say that she didn't want Severus to know, because he didn't care. Hermione knew she hated sympathy, pity. But if the person offering the emtion didn't care, it wasn't sympathy, and she didn't want to expierence whatever it might be. 

She wasn't sure how long he had known she was there, but she had stopped thinking long enough to notice that he had turned around. 

What was he thinking? Was he wondering why she was there? 

Why did she care? 

"Yes.. Hermione?", he asked. 

"I need a book." 

He gestured over to his book cases, allowing her to freely look at everything. It didn't take her long to realize that the book she had borrowed earlier was missing. 

"Is the potion to figure out what I was researching?", she asked. 

"You're smarter than I ever gave you credit for." 

"Lupus." 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"I was researching lupus.", she said again. He would know soon enough anyway. Why not just tell him what he wanted to hear. She would even take it one step further and tell him _why_ she was researching lupus. "My mother's fallen ill and the doctor's aren't sure if it's lupus or not, but I would like be ready just in case." 

What did she just say? 

She wasn't sick? Her _mother_ was? 

Well, now. Everything seemed to make a whole lot of sense. 

"I'm sorry, Hermione. I wish you the best of luck with your cure." 

She nodded polietly and walked over to the shelves. What had she just done? She lied to her old proffessor about her _mother_? What the hell was she thinking!?!? 

She found a book that she hadn't looked through yet and thought might help her. With any luck, she would find the last bits of information to find the cure. 

She looked to him. "This one should be fine. Oh, and Severus.. I haven't told anyone about the illness. I'd appreciate it if you would keep this to yourself. I don't want people to make a big deal out of it." 

Severus nodded. "If that's what you want." 

"Thank you. For your silence, and for the book." 

She walked out the door. 

What was she thinking?   


~{::*::*::}~

  
_It looks like my body's not the only thing that's sick.._, Hermione thought. _My mind could certianly use a good potion to get rid of that nasty habbit of lying.._

Hermione lay in bed that night, thinking of the night she told her parents that she was sick. They were the first to know. By then she had done a lot of research on what lupus is, and while it may not be as fatal as many types of cancer, it would considerably shorten her lifespan. Some of the smallest things like running around outside for hours would land her right in the hospital. She told all of this to her parents, and they begged her not to go back to Hogwarts to teach. They wanted her to stay at home to take care of her, but Hermione knew just because she was sick she couldn't stop living altogether. 

Then she thought of Harry again.. He had taken the new better than she thought he would. Better than she knew Ron would. 

Ron. She still wasn't sure how to get a hold of him. Not even Harry knew where Ron was. That wasn't strange- Ron's work required his privacy. She just hoped that she would get a hold of him soon. 

_Soon.._, her mind echoed. _I should probably finish my research soon. There's not much left.._

And with thinking like that, Hermione found the most recent book that she had borrowed and started reading, jotting something down every now and then. It was late, but she didn't care. All that mattered was the cure..   


~{::*::*::}~

  
She skipped breakfast that morning. She had finally finished with it- _all_ of it. She knew everything about Lupus that morning. She knew exactly how to cure it. And she skipped breakfast so that she could brew her potion. She added in the last of the ingrediants, making note of everything she had used. She materialized a folder to hold all of her findings in, carefully throwing in the papers and finding a drawer to keep them in. Her potion needed to cool before she could drink it. Understandable, as this was the case with most potions. And all of this was why she had saught out Severus that morning. 

She handed him his book, a smile on her face. 

"What are you so happy about, Miss. Granger?", Severus asked, putting the book where it belonged. 

"I did it- I found the cure. Pretty soon things will be alright.", she answered, annoyingly happy (as per usual). 

She stopped bouncing up and down, waiting for a reaction from Severus. It was another of those moments that seemed like for the first time things weren't going fast. To him, all of this probably seemed so sudden. But then again, she had been working on this for _months_, and she knew that she should be proud of her accomplishments. 

"Nothing to say, Severus?" 

"Other than congragulations, no." 

She narrowed her eyes and glared at him. She didn't need him to be happy, anyway. 

"I'm off.. I've got to give the potion to my mother.", Hermione said as she left again. She had wanted some sort of recognition from her old potions master. She had assumed that he would be proud of her, after all.. He _did_ teach her everything she knew. 

"I wish you the best of luck.", he called after her. 

He was proud of her. 

She smiled. Breifly, but she smiled. 

Now to test her potion..   


~{::*::*::}~

  
She swallowed quickly, not wanting the potion that would obviously have a foul taste to touch her throat. She felt dizzy- nothing new. She sat on her bed, overcome with a sudden burst of light that seemed to only be directly in her eyes. It had no source; it came from no where. She couldn't tell if there was anything beyond the light. She didn't even know what was going on. But the light was bright. Bright had to be good. 

Dark was evil. 

Bright was good. 

The light was bright. It had to be good. It just had to be. 

Hermione wasn't sure if she passed out from the light or if she simply can't remember what happened then, but when she woke up she knew. She wasn't sure how, but she just _knew_. 

Now what was she going to do? 


	3. I Told You Before I'm Fine

Much love to my new fwiend Lor (Laura/HeavenStone) for pointing out some errors that I had mad. ::muah:: Yer great! Oh- and sorry this took so long/is so short! You see, I've been mapping out the entire story that way I'm not clueless as to what is happening. So now I just have a list of stuff that I've got to fit into a chapter, and believe me.. At the rate I'm going, it'll be like I had just uploaded one, big story. 

Part three of   
Stay On The Outside

Hermione lay in bed that night, thinking of her failed cure. She just couldn't understand what she had done wrong. All her research, all her ingrediants.. It should have worked. There was no reason for it _not_ to work. All her research.. It was right. And it had all been a waste. This just was not fair. 

_This won't do me any good.._, Hermione told herself. _I need to concentrate. I need to keep my head straight. Sitting around and wondering what I did wrong will not do me any good. I need to find out what I did wrong._

Of course, even when she knew this, she still knew that she wouldn't be able to just get up and start working again. She was tired; a result of staying up all night and skipping breakfast. On one hand she was thinking, "How could you be so careless?", but on the other, she wasn't thinking of anything other than her disappointment. 

_Concentrate.._, she told herself. 

But concentration never came.   


~{::*::*::}~

  
At lunchtime, Hermione spent more time humming than talking. She thought of herself as an obvserver; watching everything, not really there. Every now and then she would join in and share her opinions, commenting on whether or not the weather was unusually hot that summer. It almost seemed as though she was invisible and wasn't really there. The only thing that made her positive of her existance at the lunch time was Professor Snape's stares, which she caught every now and then. 

"Is there something I can do for you, sir?", she asked discreetly, still playing with the salad on her plate. He shook his head, feeling the need for a private conversation also. "Then perhaps you could stop staring at me." 

He nodded. 

He stared. 

"Is there anything you're wondering about? At all?" 

"Have you had a chance to give your potion to your mother?", Severus asked. 

They were the first words he had said to her all day long, and they were the words that Hermione had wanted to hear least. They forced her to think back of all the time she put into her research, think of all the faith she had put into the potion, think of her failure. His words struck several nerves on several levels, but she would never let him know. She couldn't let him know. She couldn't let _anyone_ know. 

"Yes, and no.. It did not work. I failed." 

"Miss. Granger, are you sure you do not want my help?" 

Why was he offering? Again? Not even Severus knew the answer. He would just say that she spent all that time for nothing and actually felt something akin to sorrow that she had failed. And contrary to popular belief, Severus _did_ feel sorrow. It came in small amounts and only once in a great while, but it definitly came. So that was all he was feeling towards this woman that seemed heartbroken next to him. 

"I told you before; I'm fine. Besides, I don't think I'll continue. It was silly to believe that I could really cure my mother." 

"If you ever change your mind..", he answered. 

She nodded slightly. "Yes, thank you." 

She smiled shyly at him. She wasn't expecting him to smile back; she hadn't seen him do it once in the twelve years she had known him. She'd seen smirks, but not smiles. And still, she saw him make an attempt. The corners of his mouth twitched, trying they're hardest to lift into a position they had not been in for a very long time. This encouraged her and made her smile wider. 

"You know, I do believe that the weather has actually been cooler then it was last year.", Hermione announced to the staff. 

They stared at her as if she was crazy.   


~{::*::*::}~

  
She wandered back into her room that night, tired as hell from the entire day. She wasn't sure if it was a feeling coming from her disease, or if it was a an actual tired feeling, directly coming from the events of the day. 

She fell onto her bed, sighing. This was the best part of any day. Falling back and being able to say, "It's all over." She wouldn't have to do anything she didn't want to for another.. 

She looked to the right to ask what the time was from her clock when something caught her eye. 

Her notes. The ones that she had used to try and determine the anti-Lupus potion. The potion that had failed. 

She sat up, debating whether she should or not. The last few weeks of gathering had taken a lot out of her. If she did it again... 

She walked towards her desk, picking up the few scattered bits of paper. Her eyes immediatly started skimming the words she had taken down. Her research was still good. She just needed a new plan for the potion. Picking up a pen and a notebook, the ones she brought with her for personal use to avoid spilling ink in the middle of the night, she started rewriting down key phrases, like.. 

She didn't have enough time to start. As she sat down, an owl flew into her room and dropped a letter on her lap. It was Pig; Ron's owl. 

As if she was trying to beat some sort of a record, Hermione grabbed the letter and started reading. 

_Dear Hermione,   
In town for a little while. Harry said you wanted to tell me something. I'll meet you at The Three Broomsticks tomorrow at noon, if you can. If you can't, send note with Pig.   
Lot of love,   
Ron_

Hermione smiled at his note. Quick and messy, much like her friend. 

Of course she would meet him at noon tomorrow. She hadn't seen him for a long while and desperatly needed to see someone her age. No offense to her colleagues, but she was going stiff from being bored. Not that she wasn't already stiff, but still.. 

Despite the quick message and the long years between any contact, Hermione felt a new inspiration to finish her potion. But she would need help. 

She sighed. Admiting was hard enough, admiting that she needed _his_ help was harder. 

She would ask tomorrow.   


~{::*::*::}~

  
_Err..._, Hermione's anger sizzled as she came into view just outside of the Hogwarts School grounds with a barely audible 'pop'. _How could he act like that? I didn't purposly wait to tell him last! He is _not_ last, anyway. It's not like he's the easiest person to get a hold of, anyways. He should have been in contact if he wanted to know everything.._

As she walked towards the gates, Hermione looked around her. She hadn't even noticed getting that close to the school. Her mind had been too full of the meeting she just came from. After Hermione told Ron about being sick, he started throwing wild accusations right and left. He had immediatly apologized, realizing however hard it was for him to be losing his best friend, it was harder for her to be losing her _life_, but his words still stung. She had moved on from being hurt to being pissed off, and only wished that he was there now so that he could expierence her rath. 

She breathed deeply, allowing the extra anger to just leave. She would hold onto a little, but only so that she wouldn't be afraid to yell at Snape when she asked for his help and he made a sarcastic comment. 

It was like her thoughts were bringing her to where she wanted to go that day, because Hermione found herself outside of Snape's quarters rather quickly. Again, his door was open. For a man who liked his privacy, he left his door open a lot. 

She cleared his throat to get his attention. 

He looked up from the book he was looking at, shocked that anyone was there. "Yes, Miss. Granger?" 

She smiled. "You know, for someone who suggests a first name basis, you have a hard time following through yourself." 

"Fine then. Yes, Hermione?" 

She hesitated. Now that she was here, was this really a good idea? She'd have to continue her lie, and she might slip up. She might end up telling him that she was the one with lupus, not her mother. 

_It's worth it_, Hermione told herself. 

"Well, you see.. It's just that..", Hermione stuttered. 

"Hermione, if you actually need me for something then please; spit it out. Otherwise, I have work that I need to do." 

_Well, if his work is so important, then he can just continue working on it- I should have known that his offer wasn't sincere.._, she thought with anger. 

"I was just coming to see if you would still help me with my potion, but I clearly would just be in your way, and I don't want to have to owe you anything. I'm terrified to think what you might make me do. After all, punishment for you was always the worst." 

She turned around, prepared to leave, and walked towards the door again. She felt Severus walk over and grab her arm, but it barely registered in her mind. She was too busy staring at the door, which was now standing perfectly still, but Hermione swore she felt it moving. She suddenly felt weak and stiff. She needed to sit down. If only.. If only there was a place that she could find. 

"Mmm.", Hermione whimpered as her body went limp. She fell backwards into Severus's arms. 

"Hermione?", he asked. 

No response. 

"Hermione!" 

That time Severus practically yelled. What the hell was happening? Why was Hermione fainting? He paniced and started trying to wake her up immediatly, shaking her. Of course, he got no results. Picking up the small body that was her, he knew he had to get her to Madam Pomfrey. 

It seemed as if he could fly as he walked down those corriders. 


	4. She Wonders

I'm all.. angsty right now. So if this chapter reflects that, you'll know why. 

Part four of   
Stay On The Outside

Her eyelids felt nice covering her eyes, comfortable.. rested. Trying to open them was like denying their right to stay shut. She was tired, very tired. Her entire body felt as though it was weighed a thousand tons and was placed onto one of the most uncomfortable beds she had ever been in. She knew instantly that she wasn't in her own bed, but she couldn't figure out where she was. Some use of brillance that was. 

She forced her eyes to open and looked around. She was in the hospital wing, in a bed, near a window. The sunlight cascaded down onto her and made her body warm- or maybe that was the comforter on her. Either way it made the room look pretty, or at least her corner of it. It would look perfect if there wasn't a dark body standing with his arms crossed across his chest at the foot of her bed. 

_Severus_, Hermione thought. 

And that was all she thought. She couldn't really remember what had happened. She had come back from her meeting at lunch, walked to Severus's chambers, and then.. nothing. It was black to her. No white. No gray. Just black. She clutched her forehead as she sat up, feeling a small headache. 

"A-ah-ah! You'll end up hurting yourself that way, Miss. Granger.", the man at the foot of her bed said. 

"I obviously already hurt myself if I'm in the Hospital Ward. But you seem to be in perfect health; why are you here? Surely you couldn't have thought that you wanted to help me." 

"As a matter of fact, I did. You told me you wanted help with your potion to cure for your lupus." 

Her heart skipped. 

"How did you know?" 

"Well, I'd be rather stupid if I thought that your fainting was for anything other then your sickness. I should have thought that you were the one with lupus when you said that you were tired at lunch yesterday." 

Hermione looked at him curiously. "You know about lupus? How do you know.. I mean..", she searched for the words. 

"I've been researching it. Secretly, of course. I thought something was amiss when you 'went home' to give the potion to your mother but returned the same night. Oh, don't look confused. If you truly were trying to cure your mother, you would either stay for a few days to celebrate or stay for a few days to mourn your failure. And you never even left, which was a big tip off. I started researching that day." 

"Have you got a potion plan?", she asked. 

Pausing, Severus looked towards the floor. "No. Not yet." 

"Will you still.. work with me?" 

"Why wouldn't I?" 

"Because I lied to you, and if you haven't figured out a potion by now, then it must require more time then _you_ would be willing to give me.", Hermione said as if it were obvious. She could tell that she should probably keep her mouth shut and just take what he was giving her without questioning, but her curiosity got the best of her. (Hanging out with Harry and Ron, hadn't it always?) 

"Hermione, people lie all the time. It does not matter if you did or didn't, especially towards me. What matters is that you are sick and you _need_ help." 

"Why are you doing this?", she questioned. 

Good question. Why _was_ he doing this? Severus was asking himself, quite aware that Hermione was probably thinking the same thing. It was like the day before when he offered his help when they weren't even talking about potions. He wondered why he would even think of helping the insufferable know-it-all that rose her hand to answer every question, even the rhetorical ones. 

Although, she wasn't really that person any more. She had grown, not just in body. Her mind, however advanced, seem to only collect more wisdom in her young age and matured a great deal. She knew things like when to back off and leave someone alone. She even collected some common sense over the years. It was as though he had never met her as a student. 

"I don't know."   


~{::*::*::}~

  
It was a few weeks before Hermione felt well enough to work on the potion. Her lupus had started to really take effect on her, even with the muggle medicine. There was about a week until school started up again when she got out of the hospital wing. Severus wondered if Hermione would be able to teach as well as she needed to. It breifly occured to him that she'd be teaching people she'd gone to school with, which could either make her first year very hard or very easy. He hoped it the was the latter, because he knew that she could not take the extra stress. 

The last Monday before school started, Hermione joined Severus after breakfast to work on the potion. He had been worried that her lupus would limit they're time and decided to do all the research he saw fit. He already had several pages of notes on ways to go about finding the cure. He told Hermione all of this as he walked down to the dungeons. 

"It sounds like you know even more then I do about lupus. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you cared.", Hermione said as she read over few parchments. "Are you sure this'll work?" 

"Very. I'm not exactly new to this." 

Hermione glared as she got up to get a cauldren. "You know that's not what I meant. I just don't know if I could survive another failed potion, and I don't want to get my hopes up. If there's a possibility that this won't work, please let me know now." 

Severus fixed his eyes on the the other person's. "There's always a possibility. You know that as well as I do." 

Hermione continued to stare into his eyes a few seconds before dropping her gaze down to the ground. She seemed a little.. sad that the potion might not work. That not even her old Potions Master thought it would work for sure. Severus noticed. 

"Cheer up, girl. You need to concentrate on what you're doing." 

Hermione nodded. 

"Y'know, if this doesn't work, I'll be staring death straight in the face." 

"Oh please. You know that you'll have at least another tens years to live. Possibly more, if you take good care of yourself." He looked up at her, sorting out the various ingrediants he had pulled from his cupboard. "When I was a spy for Albus, Voldemort nearly caught me twice." 

"What happened?", Hermione asked curiously. 

"He was about to kill me. Both times. I'm not sure what stopped him. He had started the curse, and you know as well as I that once Voldemort decides to kill someone, they're dead. He held up his wand and started the curse, and then.. I don't know what really happened. I saw myself being killed. Not from my eyes, but as an onlooker. I saw myself being hit, I saw Voldemort throwing my death away like it was a rotten apple. And as I began thinking of favorite memories, I saw him put his wand down, and then.. nothing. The second time, I was sure I would die. But Voldemort didn't do it." 

Hermione listened quietly, wondering if dying would be the same for her. She wondered if just before she closed her eyes, she would somehow know that it was the last time. She wondered if she would be able to watch her funeral. She wondered which memories she would look back on. She wondered why Severus had told her any of this. 

"Why are you telling me this?" 

"Because death is not easy for anyone. Eventually, everyone encounters it."   


~{::*::*::}~

  
She sat in a chair with him, snuggling into his chest. She wasn't cold, but she wanted as much of his warmth as possible. Her body seemed to fit perfectly with his, as if they were meant to be together. 

Meant to be. What a wonderful thought. 

She looked up to him for some sign of emotion; any emotion. His face was etched in the usual blank stare that she had seem countless times. She began to wonder if he could feel anything but that blank stare, and the hatred he easily found in anyone new. She wondered if he had hated her the first time he saw her. Wondered if he still hated her. 

"Severus?", she questioned. 

"Yes?" 

"Do you.. love me?" 

Her heart felt more nervous than anything in her entire being. She wondered if maybe she had been wrong about his feelings toward hers, in which case her feelings would be greatly hurt. Loss of love was the one thing that could hurt more than Death. Hermione was sure of this. 

"Yes." 

She reached up to his face with her mouth, molding her lips to his. She threw herself into a kiss that she knew would be remembered as her favorite. 

But then she sat up, for she had been laying down. 

And she looked around in the dark. 

It was a dream. 

_Thank Merlin.._, Hermione thought. _What could have I been thinking? Kissing Severus? I must be insane.._

Hermione sat up most of the night, thinking about what she had dreamed about. She wondered if all this was because she had talked about things with that man that she had never talked about before with anyone. She wondered if she would spend the rest of her life thinking of that dream. She wondered if the kiss would be as good as it was in her dream. And now she wondered what she had been thinking just then. 

"Go back to sleep, Hermione.", she told herself.   


~{::*::*::}~

  
A few weeks went by and school started up again. Hermione and Severus were both busy during the week, teaching classes or patrolling the halls. There was hardly any time to just talk about the potion, let alone work on it. The weekends were spent with each other, talking about everything they shared in personality, history, and future as they worked hard to try and save Hermione' life. 

Severus was reliefed as they finished a potion that hadn't exploded or turned an irky color. Severus thought it was perfectly safe to drink and was _positive_ that it was the cure. He was proud of himself, and of Hermione, and Hermione was nervous about the results of the potion. What if it worked? What if it didn't? Why the hell couldn't she figure out what she wanted? 

"I know I should be happy that I'm going to be getting better soon, but.. I just don't know what to think.", Hermione confided in him as they waited for the potion to cool. 

"You're write. You _should_ be happy. Why aren't you?" 

She wasn't really sure how to answer that. "I _am_ happy. I just feel like.. I don't know." 

"Yes you do.", he told her, cleaning up the few things they had taken out. 

"I hate it when people tell me that I know something when I know that I don't. Why can't people just.. Let me be frustrated that I don't know something." 

"Because, people care about you, and they hate to see you frustrated." 

She paused doodling on the table with her finger. She looked up breifly, wondering if she had really heard what he just said. She dared hope he had and had meant it. 

"You care about me?" 

He nodded. "But don't let word get around." 

She smiled a little. 

"You know, if this works, we won't be spending any time together anymore." 

"Hermione, what started out as a simple gesture of help has turned into a friendship. I've told you things that I only tell Albus. Some things he doesn't even know. I have no intention of having told you those things just so that you can forget them and go back to hating me." 

She smiled at him. Severus had a soft side. This was going to make teasing him so much easier. 

"So you're saying we're friends?" 

"Somethin' like that, yes." 

"Aw, Luke. You big softie." 

Severus looked at the girl mortified. What the hell was he thinking? 

He was interupted when Hermione said the potion should be cool enough to drink. He handed the small bottle over to Hermione, knowing that she would take a few minute to think about the results of drinking it some more. Merlin, how he hoped it would work. 

She lifted the drink to her lips, barely letting it touch her. He couldn't stand this "I'm doing it. Hold on a second." pattern any more. He wanted to know what would happen. 

Braving the worst, Hermione emptied the potion into her mouth. It wasn't anything like the last time. Last time, her eyes were covered in white. This time, she saw everything perfectly. She could feel her body, the insides fighting something. Whether it was her lupus or the urge to pass out, she did not now. She waited impaitently for something to happen. Anything. She lifted her hand so that her palm faced upward and she felt like it weighed nothing. And then.. she wasn't sure what happened. 

She saw her hand seperate from herself. The seperation seemed transparent, and Hermione wondered if it was her soul leaving her body. She faught hard against it, trying to grab onto herself. She wondered if Snape could see it, too. 

And then.. everything went back to normal. 

And Severus waited for Hermione to say something. 

And Hermione waited for death. 


	5. You're hopeful and I'm hopeless

Hey now, really sorry to anyone who didn't get the 'Luke' referrence. Chances are, not even Hermione would have gotten it. But I couldn't resist! The story about Luke: He's a character from Gilmore Girls. He's got that whole "I'm a Loner" kind of attitude goin' on, even tho we all know he's in love with Lorelai! And there's this one eppy where he's not so tuff and fixes up a bday surprise for Rory, Lorelia's kid. Rory then says, "Aw, Luke. You big softie!" It's funnier for me... 

Oh, and I'm sorry this took so long.. I'm a Freshman in High School, so I'm having trouble adjusting to all the new projects at one time. I got a little behind in my work (I have a D in History), so I thought it was best if I didn't continue the story until vacation, that way I could get it my complete, undivided attention. 

P.S. I have the next two chapters already written.. 

P.P.S. In case you were wondering about my new pen name, it's latin for 'The Truth Writer'. 

Part five of   
Stay On The Outside

They stood in the lab together even when the clock told them it was lunch. They stayed silent the entire time, neither wanting to distract the other's thoughts. It had occured to both that the silence was anything but peaceful (least of all welcome) and the each was thinking the same thoughts as the other. Severus was beginning to get anxious waiting for Hermion to say something. Bursting out in song was a better way to go about things at that moment. (Merlin, I must be mental to think _that_.) 

"Oh, Merlin.. Say _something_." 

Hermione looked up at Severus, desperate to say the words he wanted to hear. She searched his brown eye, looking for something other then the hope she saw. She knew this potion was more then just another victory to him. It meant the difference between keeping and loosing a friend. The concept was still very hard to grasp for Hermione, even after all these hours. She was friends with Severus Snape, her once very much unliked Potions Master. 

She wished very hard to find her voice. Then all of these things in her head wouldn't be just in her head. All the knowledge, everything she knew, would be shared with someone, shared with the one person who had become her only confidant lately, with her friends gone and her parents so far away. 

That's right.. He _was_ her only confident. Why was she worried about telling him? It's not like the knowledge, the truth, wasn't anything he could judge her by. The truth, well.. He deserved to know, she figured. 

"It didn't work, Severus..", she said calmly. 

"What?", he asked, worried he had heard her correctly. 

She smiled warmly at him. 

"I faught it. I faught hard, for whatever reason, to stay sick. This is how it's meant to be." 

_Meant to be..._, Hermione repeated silently. She wondered how just that morning that sentance could have ever been pleasent. In her dream, the idea that she was destined to be with one person her entire life, and even after that, had been a comfort. Now it scared her knowing that no matter what she did, something so horrid could control her life. 

"Are you telling me that you think you're meant to _suffer_?", Severus asked disbelievingly. Could she really think that her life was meant to just slip away while she watched, powerless to stop it? Why would she ever choose to believe it? 

"Yes...", she whisperd. She stood up, setting down the potion bottle, which she had clutched in her hands for the past few hours. "Now, you'll excuse me, I have papers to grade." 

Severus watched Hermione leave, powerless to stop it. 

Hermione would watch her life leave, equally powerless to stop it.   


~{::*::*::}~

  
It was just after supper that night that Severus decided to go back and review the notes he had seen a thousand times in the past few weeks, close to a month. He had heard Hermione earlier with her decleration of no hope and belief that things were as they should be. She could believe whatever she wanted to. 

He didn't believe it. 

He refused to. 

If Severus admitted that she was meant to die, he would have to admit that he had opened up to someone, had _cared_ for someone, just to have her taken away. He would have taken a huge risk just to have been crushed. 

It suddenly occured to him that the two of them were acting as thought without the cure, Hermione would die almost instantly. They both knew this wasn't the case. She had at least ten years of her life ahead of her with the muggle medicine. More if she took good care of herself. He knew that Hermione wouldn't waste her time sitting around doing nothing, waiting for death. It was on of the things he loved about her. 

Severus was too deep in though to notice the word 'love' slip into his sentance. 

Hermione was too busy grading papers to even think about Severus in _any_ way, let alone think of things of love on accident. However, it wasn't long before she was done reading first year papers and performing simple spells to transfer the grade on the paper to the respectful person's over all average. She stacked all of the parchments on her desk, planning to use a levitating charm much later when she moved them from her personal quarters to her classroom. 

Rolling onto her bed, Hermione sighed. She realized that with the past few months of research (for it had been months for her), she hadn't had much time to simply enjoy reading. She looked for a book on her shelf that was fiction. There were surprisingly few, all of which she had memorized. 

_Maybe Severus.._, she started to think. _No- he's a man of fact, not silly muggle fiction in which the leading male is a strong, unfeeling person who only falls in love with the timid maiden, because the two are forced to be around each other. He would never have the kind of book I want. Although, I guess right now I'd take anything I can get. And at least I'll get a chance to see him.._

She sat back up and put on her robes. She turned towards her door and exited, casting the lock charm as she left. She walked down the dark corriders, walking the path she had walked hundreds- maybe even thousands- of times before. Getting to the dungeons, Hermione started to forget what it was she was hoping to accomplish. She was nervous, and for what reason? She and Severus were good friends.. She was allowed to be there. 

She turned down the passage way that lead to his room. Knocking on the door, she suddenly felt her nerves calm and couldn't help but whisper a 'finally', which coincided with Severus opening his door. 

"Well, Hermione, I wasn't aware that I was taking so long. Please, come in." 

"Um.. Sorry. I was talking about something else. It wasn't you, believe me." 

She walked into his room, her eyes falling on the Library that she had searched so many times before. She looked over to his desk and saw several parchments out and opened. They looked familiar to her, as they should have. She instantly recognized them as the parchments from the months of research she had done, and the month he had done. 

"Something I can do for you?" 

"I came to ask if I could look through your library.. I wanted a book. What are you doing?", she asked, quickly adding the question on as if it went with the rest of what she had said. 

"Well, you said you didn't want to work on the cure anymore, so I thought I would..", he explained. 

"Severus, that's great, and quite possibly very sweet of you, but please.. Don't.." 

He looked at her, allowing his confusion that melted with anger show on his face. 

"What do you mean 'don't'? You can't stand there and honestly tell me that you want to die!" 

"No, of course I don't _want_ to die, but it's happening. This is how it's meant to be. Every person's life includes suffering, Severus. Just because mine comes sooner, it doesn't mean that it's the end of the world." 

He shook his head. 

"I don't get why you refuse to have hope." 

"And I don't get why you refuse to give up.", she challenged. "Give me one good reason why I should do all of that work just to fail. I'm tired of having my hopes crushed. I'm tired of spending all of my spare time on a project that's not even going to be successful. I love spending time with you, I do, but please.. This hurts me too much." She pleased with her eyes, adding to her wavering voice. "So please.. Just let this go." 

He shook his head again and barely said the words 'I can't'. 

"Well why not?" 

"Because I've lost enough as it is. I don't want to lose you, too.", he answered honestly. He walked back over to his desk, grabbing a fresh parchment. One to use to take notes on the notes. "Now if you'll excuse me." 

Hermione, knowing he wanted her to leave, turned to the door. As she left, the fact that she didn't get a book only breifly crossed her mind.   


~{::*::*::}~

  
She couldn't let herself go back to her rooms. She needed to find somewhere away from her normal every day surroundings. It was only early October (very early) and it was still quite warm out. These were the things that decided Hermione's destination: The Astronomy Tower. 

It wasn't often that Hermione felt the need to star gaze. In fact, it was only when something was bothering her that she sat out under the night sky, allowing herself to enjoy the beautiful scenery while getting completely lost in her thoughts. But every time that she did, she usually made a comment about how she should do it more often. If only the mood struck her more often. 

Her thoughts stopped being so.. busy and finally settled on one topic. The one topic that she really wanted to think about, and the only topic that she wanted to think about: Severus. 

Don't go getting any ideas. She didn't fancy herself obsessed with him. Nothing to that extent. She was just curious about his comment.   


_"I've lost enough as it is. I don't want to lose you, too.."_

  
What could he possibly have meant? Surely, he didn't mean that had he lost her, he would have been affected. 

Although, it made sense. He _did_ declare them friends. And it was he that was unwilling to give up. 

But he didn't mean it as anything more then a strictly friend kind of way. 

Did he? 

Hermione wasn't sure anymore. She wasn't really sure of anything anymore. Being diagnosed had changed her routine. Her first failed potion changed her way of thinking. The second failed potion changed the way she was. For all she knew, she had completely lost track of who she was. For all she knew, Severus had lost track of who she was. And for all she knew, she was alone in the world. 

She had never been more terrified in her entire life. Suddenly, despite her loving parents and two best friends in the entire world (And an ex professer that somehow fit into the equation), she was utterly alone. She was the only one of them dying. She was the only of them suffering. 

She was the only one of them that knew. 

But she didn't know what she knew. 

"I thought I might find you up her, Hermione.", a voice interupted her thoughts. Ramblings, really. 

"You always know what to think, Severus." 

It was true. The man that was invading her thoughts was now invading her star gazing. His black robes swished as he took a seat next to her. Funny how she didn't notice she hadn't grabbed her robes until then. Especially since it was one of the first things that he noticed. He immediatly took off his warm clothing and gave it to her. She graciously accepted. 

The two sat in silence, neither daring to speak a word. They both were thinking about different things and they both knew it. Severus, thinking of her lack of hope. Hermione, thinking of Severus's words. 

If only she understood. If only.. 

"What did you mean earlier?" 

"About what?", he asked, confused. He hadn't realized he had said anything that might be construed as confusing. 

"You said something like.. you've lost enough and you didn't want to lose me." 

"I meant what I said. You're my friend, and if I lost you know.. Merlin, there would be hell for me. You're the only person who understands, Hermione." 

She nodded. Just as she thought. 

"If you truly want me to stop trying, I will." 

She looked over at him. 

"No. Keep searching. I'm not going to help, but if it means that much to you.. Go ahead."   


~{::*::*::}~

  
It wasn't much later that Hermione had found herself in bed. And it was even sooner that she found herself waking up. She sat up, tears welling in her eyes. _It was just a dream.._, Hermione had to tell herself. There was no need to cry, because she didn't die. She didn't lose her parents. She didn't lose her job. She didn't lose Severus. She didn't lose herself. 

_Severus_, Hermione repeated. 

Suddenly, her friend was all she could think of. She had to tell him of her dream. Hell, she _needed_ him. She wasn't sure how to feel about that. In her school years, she had needed Harry and Ron. She had needed knowledge. She had needed everything in Hogwarts. But now, as an adult.. The idea of needing anyone that wasn't just herself.. Quite frankly, it frightened her. 

But she did. She needed him. And not just when ever she managed to find him. She needed him _now_. She put a robe on over her pajamas, wasting no time. If she needed him so badly, she would go to his room. 

And like that, she was gone.   


~{::*::*::}~   
**Spoilers**

_[Scene: Quidditch Pitch (Empty). Hermione and Severus are talking.]   
"Sorry I scared you. I was just.. thinking." _

"Thinking?", he asked, slightly starting to get angry with the childish actions. What if there had been an attack? 

"Yes, thinking. I just needed to clear my head. I needed to clear my head. I needed to get away from everything." 

[Scene: Hermione's rooms. Severus has just come over, furious.]   
"Are you crazy? You know my password. You could have just used it.", Hermione said. 

"I think the correct question is are _you_ crazy!?!?" 

Figured I owed that to you, especially since I've just finished typing that up.. Lol. 


End file.
